It’s hard being human sometimes. I think we can all agree on that. Having emotions that can’t quite be understood or put into words? That’s hard. Having failures right after successes? That’s hard. Having failures in general? Hard. Putting a smile on your face when you feel the opposite? That’s hard. I’ve been going through a little bit of all the above lately… but luckily things are finally feeling normal again.
I wasn’t sure about sharing this chapter of my life and I couldn’t exactly grasp why. I’ve been trying to write this for a few weeks now but didn’t know how to even begin. I love to share and connect with people who have gone through or are dealing with similar situations. I think that is one of the many good things about being human…knowing you are not alone. It’s one of the ways I’ve learned to grieve and let go. I’ve been so transparent about everything in the past and I truly did connect with so many of you who felt my same emotions. Thank you for that. So here I am again, laying weeping words out on paper. Spilling my heart and letting go all at once. Because it’s time I move forward and it’s time we start trying once again…
A little over month ago, I had a miscarriage. I didn’t grieve this time around the way I thought I might. I cried the day it happened. I cried at home with Clay. But not for long. It wasn’t like I was laying on the floor letting my eyes flood with sadness for days on end. I feel like in the corners of my mind, I had expected this to happen. When I saw the blood down low one night, my heart stopped. I was 7 weeks along. My face went pale and darkness flooded my mind. Clay held me and told me “It’s probably nothing to worry about babe”. He’s always good at reassuring me that things are okay. But I knew in my gut something was wrong. I laid awake all night in pain. The cramps and back pain came on instantly after the blood appeared. The blood kept coming through the night. Heavier as time moved on. It was only in a matter of minutes, life completely changed. One minute I was happily pregnant and the next minute that future is thrown out the window. It all happened so quickly and without much warning. Clay and I went to my OBGYN the next morning. The news was exactly what I thought it would be. I had done enough googling through the night to know things weren’t good. I accepted the miscarriage pretty quickly and let my body bleed out the life that could have been. Although I accepted the miscarriage quickly…the process was long and each day I bled, it was a constant reminder of a lost life. Finally, after about 10 days it was all over.
This lost pregnancy felt different from last time. I think it felt different because I’m more scared now of my ability to have another baby. I know I can get pregnant, so that’s at least a bit of a relief. I feel like I’m putting more pressure on myself to have another child as Landon gets older. I fear the older he gets, the less of a relationship he’ll have with his sibling. It’s stupid I know, but I can’t help but think that way. I always had a picture in my mind of what our family would look like, and it’s just so discouraging not to be able to make that picture a reality.
So let me back track now and take you back to day I found out I was pregnant. It was actually really cute and exciting for a very short moment. Somehow I can’t stop replaying it in my mind now that life is back to what is was before this whole mess. Clay had just gotten back from a hunting trip the day before. I was a week late and I secretly took a test after Clay went to work. Then I waited for him to come home for lunch to tell him. I sneakily asked him to grab something upstairs for me. “Will you get my red scrunchy”, I asked. I waited in the kitchen fully knowing he was going to stumble upon the test I strategically laid on the counter. He saw it and of course came running down with the biggest grin on his face. He was so happy. We kissed and hugged and embraced. But then I looked at him and said, “Don’t get excited yet”. Isn’t that sad? Having a positive pregnancy test in your hand but thinking of the worst case scenario? Then telling your husband not to celebrate? It’s messed up, I know… but for a very brief moment, my heart felt warm and Clay and I got to dream about another angel in our life.
I didn’t let myself fully start planning a future for this baby because I knew there was always a possibility things could go wrong. I had moments of excitement and moments of doubt. In those first few weeks of knowing, Clay and I playfully argued if it was a boy or a girl. I said girl and he said boy (of course lol). I thought about names and the color we might paint the nursery walls… but through those first few weeks our lips stayed sealed, we didn’t tell a single soul I was pregnant. I thought if we told people and got excited, then the heartbreak would be worse if things didn’t work out. Looking back now, I’m not entirely sure that’s true. Sometimes I wish I had gotten excited and started planning for a new little life. Parts of me think maybe it was my negative outlook that made things go wrong. I’ll never know. The excitement and moments of doubt we’re at war in my mind at that point in time. Everything felt so normal some days that I remember telling clay, “I have a good feeling about this one.” But unfortunately the negative thoughts continued to override the positive. And on top of everything, I was also worried about having another molar pregnancy. Once you have one, you’re more likely to have another one. There were so many “what if’s” floating in my head it was driving me crazy. In those first few weeks, I found it nearly impossible to live in the moment.
Honestly, life makes me feel insane at times. Especially when all I want is another baby to hold but my body keeps failing me. It’s been over a year since we decided we really wanted another one. Not in a million years did I think we would have 2 failed pregnancies all within a 12 month period. Each different from one another, but nonetheless, devastating. Life put me only knees for the past month. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Why can’t a baby grow inside me? Is it my genetics? My ovaries? What is it? Or is it nothing? Is it just simply science? A bad seed? Is it God’s timing? My journey? My path in life?
Can you tell I worry too much? It’s my biggest flaw and greatest insecurity. My anxiety gets the best of me most days… but moving forward, I’m going live more in the present and stop worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet. (And maybe google a little less, also? Because WOW WebMD is good for absolutely no one lol)
I know I’m sitting here complaining, venting, releasing my sadness to you all. I sound ungrateful, which I am not. My God, if these failed pregnancies have taught me anything, it’s that Landon is such a miracle. Somehow my body protected him through it all. Somehow he turned out to be this perfectly normal kid and that makes me drop to my knees with gratitude. If I can’t get pregnant again…if that is not the plan…then that is okay. I’ll make my peace and move forward with all the blessings that were already brought to my life. But right now, in this moment, I’m on my knees and I’m praying for another miracle. Another chance to feel the kicks and another chance to create love.